I had a dream last night that i was gonna get murdered by a LUSH employee and Jeff Goldblum came in and saved me, saying, “Don’t, uh, kill her, my dude.” I’m not 100% sure it wasn’t Jeff Goldblum astral-projecting into my dream, because I feel like he could do that.
i sleep nude because if someone ever breaks into my house they gotta fight me while im naked and i dare you to try and swing on a nigga when his dick is out
You are grade A guarenteed to get yourself hurt with this mindset? You think I’m afraid to grab a dick and yank it, bruh? You think I won’t get my hands dirty on your dick in order to end you? You got the wrong one, man—and your ass better hope I don’t have a knife.
Okay weirdly this exact situation has happened to me. It was summer so I was sleeping naked, but then I heard the lock on the front door being opened. I thought someone was breaking into my house and I had enough time to either grab my sword or my nightgown, not both.
Two things I learned.
One, sometimes apartment complexes will flat out forget to tell you they’re sending someone over from the fire department to check your fire extinguishers.
Two, no matter how bad ass a person thinks they are, a naked person swinging a sword at them will knock them off balance both physically and mentally.
However, the fireman was very nice about it and accepted my apology.
didn’t think it could get any better, yet here we are
The host at our Airbnb has the most talkative cat.
“You’re in my bed. You’re in my room. You’re in my house. And let me tell you something, I am most certainly not a happy camper. No, sir. Indeed I am not.”
American Children: Hey, can we be murdered a little less please?
Republicans: What the fuck? What about my guns? What about me, a person innocently playing with my death-machines as a hobby? I am the real victim here. Kids these days are so entitled…
